Dearest   dear friend

Hi,

The question how are you doing won’t be of much significance here as it’s been a very long time

I hope with this mail you would know I am very much alive J

Why a  mail now? I know this question would be pondering over your mind when you see my mail in your inbox. Just got a day free from the busy family life or just got some time to think about myself ,time to think about how life changed all of a sudden J

I apologize  for not being there for your marriage. But I heard she is  pretty . Lucky guy..How’s your lil one  doing ? Surprised how I got to know ? J I have some loyal sources J . Although it would be tough for you to know my whereabouts  as I have been playing a game of hide n seek with you  all these years. Your  son resembles you . Hope he isn’t coward like you J Okay chill that was a joke J  As always life has been good to you..its good to know that you got a happily ever after  J

I came  last month to visit parents, a visit once in a year to let them know that am doing good , that my life is great.Drive through the city surprised me. The place has changed a lot. Lot of cafes and malls have changed the face of our city. Our favourite old coffee corner hasn’t lost its beauty among the new ones . Remember the beach far away from the city where you used to take me whenever we had to settle our silly fights J its crowded now and not a tidy place unlike earlier. Those kites in the sky reminded me of my dreams, my silly wishes J

Things around has pretty much changed .The most difficult thing is to understand that you can’t go back to what it was , to understand its time to forge a new path..

My cousin is getting married next month. Seems she got a matching profile fast. Aunt and uncle are happy. They hope she is lucky like me .The expectations ,it never dies J I pray the best for her. Hold on! Let me bring my coffee before I narrate the events in my happy world. The weather is good today. It’s the month of Christmas, that reminds me I was born in the month of December too . Well anniversaries, birthdays, or any other special days do not have a place in this home .He is on one of his official trips somewhere far away. He never mentions the place nor do I ask these days. We have become strangers with some memories. The scars I have on my body are the only reminders of my 8 year old marriage. By  the end of this month the fate of this 8 year long companionship would be decided, that’s what he said before he left .I had heard people say divorce is the best way to end the sufferings of married life . But the question is do I really need freedom now? Everything is so much easier when you do it without feelings. I have started to enjoy this life of slave. May be he wanted a new life.

I bet you wouldn't recognize me in crowd because  the chirpy crazy cheerful girl that lived in my body once is no more . I do wonder if he ever knew that girl .None knew her ,none saw he,r except you yet you decided to give me away, without even giving a try J I didn't want to force you either ,I didn’t want to plead J What a brave girl I was then J

This mail is not to make you guilty of anything. I have reached a point in my life where I cannot hold it all together. I had to talk to someone , someone who would understand me. I am not sure what I would do once I am freed from this home. I just don’t want my parents to be burdened by my sadness. It would kill them to know that their daughter’s marriage is ripping apart. The astrologer had proclaimed ours as the most compatible horoscope. This news might be a blow to his profession too J

Ah! Leave all that unhappy stories. Tell me, do you still go for trips? The road trips you used to tell me. Have you fulfilled those dreams? I bet she would be complaining about the techie guy in you ! Are you still that short tempered and foodie? Have you gained a fat belly? What about your dream of purchasing a beach side home? Do you own one now ? My daily routine is wake up, survive and go back to bed .Its been long since I have lived my life

When I look back , the best moments of my life have been with you for which I am thankful. You showed me the season of friendship the season of love and the season of happiness. Its rightly said the hardest person to get over with, is the one you never had but once made you happy. Hmm the coffee is really helping ! aha the best friend then and now. I shall plead  him  not to  leave me ‘legally' that would make my life meaningless. This life of mine will have to go on for my parents, for my siblings. Its my fate isn’t it?

That’s quite a long mail. I do feel better now J

I wish you all the happiness as always. Keep smiling J

From,

A lost friend

With the next click the mail was saved to the draft items where it shall stay with 20 others unsent,unseen,unfinished….

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We all have disguises. It is rightly said that "You are who you are when nobody is watching"
23 years I have been living with my parents . But the question is do they really know me?Or is it they only see a part which I intend to show them?
Do they know the ambitions and the dreams I have?
Do they know that I love travelling and writing?
Do they know that I feel myself trapped in a dream which was never mine?
Do they know that I do not want to end up with any Tom/Dick/Harry randomly arranged for me?
Do they know that I value some non-blood relations?
Do they know why the word child abuse freaks me out?
Do they know that my best friend's death had left me in a world of darkness and I had given up hope in life?
Do they know that books are my friends and writing all the nonsense that comes to my mind gives me relief?
Do they know that I have seen the season of grief and the season of love ?
Do they know that dad's alcoholism had affected my life too like my mom's , that it had caused me 3 years of suffocation in my own house ?
Do they know that their daughter was suicidal ?
Do they know that I have had sleepless nights and terrible nightmares ?
Do they know that I love them and wish they would know me?
Do they know that my love for them will always make me a martyr of my dreams?
Will they ever know the person I really am?
Bearing all these questions in mind ,I grabbed my disguise to blend in with the crowd...

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