Tale of a lost innocence

Life has been pretty much boring and being unemployed adds to the grief. Just another sleepless night. Another night when you don't have anything to do but stare on to the ceiling and think about the life you have lived so far. Its been a Roller coaster ride. People see only the face that I reveal. Behind the goofy crazy bubbly smart girl image lies a face of a lil girl, the face of a scared lil girl whose innocence was snatched away.Few years back the only dreams I had was that of a guy who resembled the grim reaper.In  all my dreams he was either chasing me down a dark alley or choking me."Being strangled in a dream reflect feelings of someone trying to choke your efforts to be heard or understood in waking life" Among all the articles I read,this made sense. I had to remove my fear and face it once and for all.

So here I am trying to tell you guys the story of that lil girl.

She lived in her mom's paternal home as her dad was away digging money in the sands of Arabia.The house was quite big to accommodate her uncles aunts and their babies besides her own family. She loved the big family atmosphere.The playmate she had at that time was her only brother and her baby boy cousin .They spent their evening playing all sorts of games. The big house was filled with their laughter.One fine day when she reached home after school,she found a new face, a tall dark boy elder than her own brother was holding her little cousin.He had a wide smile. "Molu, meet Rama ,he has come to baby sit your lil brother. From now on, you guys have a new playmate,he is a Tamilian but can understand Malayalam" said my aunt. He gave me a handshake . We were happy to get a new playmate. Rama had to do some of the household work ,besides  taking care of her baby.We all became closer to Rama within few weeks. He taught us how to  cook raw cashews, made swing for us, sang song for us,became one among us.

As I gave a hint earlier this is not a fairy tale. how can things go so smooth ? so happy?.

On a Sunday afternoon he called me and said " You are growing up fast dear, do u know some things are to be done before you become a big girl?" I didn't understand the meaning behind that statement. He explained " Dont you worry , I will let you know ,I will teach you,everyone around you has done it and now its your time my sweetie pie ". He blurted out the name of a girl and a boy who had "done it"to gain my confidence. The girl was my mom's cousin while the boy was my neighbor.I didn't understand a word he was trying to explain. He concluded that it was just a new game.

The house had a toilet built outside for the use of maids.Rama was allotted to use it. Once he completed his explanation he took me by my hand and led me to his bathroom.He locked the door without  making a noise. He didn't want to wake up anyone from their good afternoon's sleep.

He unzipped his pants and demonstrated his assets detailing how things will be done with my help.I felt a chill in my body. Something was wrong.I was sensing it . Once he was done with his demo, he asked me to show him what I was hiding in my underpants.I was seeing a new face of Rama . There stood a dark cloaked figure,with its evil grin it was trying to grab me. I pushed him and unlocked the door.I ran as fast as I can to my room.I was shivering, I was frightened, I was ashamed of myself. I was scared to tell anyone. I avoided him throughout the evening. 

On usual days children slept in the TV room with Rama while the elders had dinner. But that day I wanted to be awake till everyone had their dinner .Sadly my eyelashes stopped fighting and I fell asleep on my mom's lap.

I woke up early next day and peeked through the keyhole to check for Rama's presence. He was nowhere to be seen.No matter how far you run,evil spirits will find their way to you. He grabbed me from behind while I was taking steps to kitchen.That familiar chill ran through my spine. He had a surprise news for me. Why not hear it in his words .. " My dear you thought you could run away? I know you wont tell anyone as you have done something wrong! Last night your mom left you with me so that she could dine with others.You were lying on my lap.! I have seen what you are hiding behind those cute frocks.You needn't worry now we have done it. You have done it with me. Go talk to your parents they will hate you . Remember they will hate you "........

The story ends with his last words..so does her innocence when she was hardly 7 or 8  years old. 

It took few years to clearly understand his words "you have done it with me". My aunt says , his hardwork has paid off .He has a well payed job and a loving family now. For me ,growing up with the  dark memories of past was terrible. Family troubles, being back-stabbed by friends,death of bestie, academic failures,everything just added up,it took lot of years to bring down the wall. 

This post was possible only because of  my love who helped me to face my tormented past, who loves me unconditionally ,who makes me feel like a pretty lady,who ignores my damaged soul and brings smile to my face every day. Without you I would have  remained as a defective painting in my family.I hope everyone finds their savior.

That scared lil girl, well she is fading away, she has to fade away for happier memories :) 

One of out of every three girls will be sexually assaulted by the age of 18. One out of 7 children are abused, It took me 24 years to open up about my past ... It shouldn't hurt to be a child..Save their innocence if you can 

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